Harm, apologies, and forgiveness

This post is prompted by the interactions recounted by the Julie Roys podcast What Happened at Bethlehem Baptist Church (Part 2) as well as Julie Roys' Opinion: Bethlehem Baptist, Apologies and “Unintentional Sin”.  Of particular note is the linked transcript of Dr. Naselli's apology to the Takatas in the opinion piece.  Excerpts from the apology are played in the podcast so you can get a sense of Dr. Naselli's intonation and context.  Frankly, I found his apology frustrating and disappointing, very much not in keeping with what I would expect out of an apology from a professor at seminary and an elder of Bethlehem.  Unfortunately, this type of non-apology has sadly become commonplace at Bethlehem.  I could name multiple examples I've seen from the past year.  For another public one, see Pastor Kenny's "apology" to Julie Roys.  

I've been thinking through why these kinds of apologies are so frustrating and disappointing.  Here were some reflections as best as I could piece out in naming my own emotions.  This is not a normative judgment of what harm, an apology, or forgiveness ought to be, but rather an attempt at putting words to my own emotions and inclinations.  I understand there is always a spectrum of culpability and responsibility dependent on the relationship, intent, ability, etc.  I also know that some people would use terminology in ways that I might not.  For example, others may view forgiveness as releasing bitterness, so for them forgiveness can be offered without repentance, but perhaps they might use a different word like "reconciliation" for what I'd describe as forgiveness. I'm just trying to name what I feel is going on in these sort of interactions and why these non-apologies seem so demeaning and harmful.  

Harm (hereafter always short for "unwarranted harm") upon another (whether physical, emotional, financial, relational, reputation etc.) is an attack on that person's personhood and dignity.  The other person is a person created in the image of God, deserving of dignity, respect, and granted value by God.  It is one person saying with their action(s): You are not valuable, you are not worthy of dignity, your opinions and pain do not matter.  Again, I acknowledge there is a spectrum from the accidental bump as you walk past someone to intentional abuse.  At the core, it seems that harm undermines personhood.  

An apology (in my mind) is an attempt to restore that dignity and value:  I'm sorry I treated you as less than you fully deserve.  I didn't honor you the way that I should have honored you.  I didn't value you the way you should be valued.  Instead, I have done X or Y.  God created you as reflection of his nature and character, completely equal in value to myself, and I treated you instead like a tool and of less value than my self.   

Non-apologies don't seek to restore dignity and value, but in fact compounds the harm by denying the personal responsibility and/or the actual harm.  It deflects "yeah, that happened, but it wasn't my fault."  It reverses, "I'm sorry you were offended."  It doesn't recognize the actual harm, "it wasn't my intent."  Now the already harmed party is put in the situation where they must defend their own dignity and humanity, "look, you really did hurt me" amid the social pressures of "we ought to forgive one another, right?" Between equals it puts the relationship in a strain, but when there is a power differential it can snowball and be crushing.  

When someone forgives someone, that strikes me as an acceptance that the person who caused the harm has restored dignity and value to the harmed party.  Forgiveness could include an acceptance of the costs incurred without asking for restitution (I'll repair my bumper myself) or it could be  conditioned upon restitution in some form like, "please pay for my repairs."  It could mean a return to the former relationship, but it doesn't necessarily have to be the case.  There are still wounds, and sometimes those wounds can be relationship severing.  But at the core, forgiveness seems to be saying (in my mind), "I've been made whole by you."  [I think there is a gap here in my thinking - would it be appropriate to "forgive" someone after justice has been fully satisfied?  Or does forgiveness imply an acceptance of insufficient payment?  Perhaps since we're dealing with human dignity rather than cash, it can just be an acceptance of payment?  Legal terms feel too cold for something relational, so I recognize the terms don't fully line up as I like]

The personal recognition that harms = devaluing is why hearing these kinds of "apologies" from the leadership at Bethlehem is so frustrating and disappointing.  Dr. Naselli doesn't seem to acknowledge the dignity and value of the Takatas and how his actions undermined these things, instead he approaches apologizing and forgiveness as almost a transactional act that he must follow. He says things like, "So let's work through those 3 and I'm going to ask you to forgive me for each one." ... "So Steve and Janette, you're probably wanting to hear many more requests for forgiveness, but for those 3 things, would you be willing to extend forgiveness to me?"  and after Janette shared additional impact that his words had on her and her family, being additionally vulnerable, he doesn't acknowledge or recognize that, he  continues with "sorry, well, thank you for being gracious to me and granting forgiveness."  

Nothing he said or did conveyed actual dignity, value, or restoration, it seemed to me to really be continuing more of the same - treating the Takatas as a tool or stepping stone on the way to something else.  He indicated time was the priority (what about the relationship?).  He generalized his actions ("hasty speech) rather than actually naming what he did (he lied about them to others).  He named three specific things that the Takatas had previously brought up, but were there truly no other cases where he spoke about them inappropriately?  Based on his track record, I'm skeptical.  He didn't seek to recognize the impact he's had, it just feels like it was a transaction that he had to complete.  

As a side note, I don't fault the Takatas in their role in the interaction and accepting his apology and forgiving him.  What are they supposed to do, given the position that Dr. Naselli has put them in, with time pressure and a power differential, and it sounds like Kurt Elting Ballard, lead elder, is there as a witness too.  I can imagine they don't want to appear unforgiving or unwilling to reconcile.  It's hard to think on your feet.  I can understand the sense of feeling obligated to forgive as a Christian duty which reflects a healthy desire for reconciliation, while also feeling unsatisfied because saying the words "I apologize" and "I forgive" aren't actually the same as wholeness, healing, and reconciliation.  

For me, I now want to avoid ending my apologies with "will you forgive me?" Making that statement at the end puts pressure on the other person accept what I've said/done as sufficient when it may not be sufficient to them.  But I don't know if what I'm apologizing for is all that I've done to harm the other person.  Perhaps there's more to it than just what I saw.  Instead, I want to try to end my apologies with, "is there anything else I need to see and set right?" to be open.  Perhaps there's more that I ought to recognize, own, and do.  Perhaps I'm not even apologizing for the right thing.  

Harm, apologies, and forgiveness are about relationships and humanity.  We can't just use formulaic correct words (though there are definitely wrong words) because it's about more than words, it's about personhood, dignity, respect, and valuing the other.  As a parent, I definitely feel this pressure, "ok, now apologize like you mean it" as if I can demand something that must flow from the heart.  I also recognize the fact that our words and actions are significant - with our words and deeds we can build up or tear down beings created in the image of God.  Sobering.  It makes me thankful so much for the undeserved grace extended to me from the many I've needed to apologize to over the years and especially by God.