Mickey and I have experienced a range of emotions these last 6 months. Anger. Grief. Hopelessness. Betrayal. Despair. One of the hardest emotions for me to handle has been the feeling of powerlessness. I am powerless to stop the harm at Bethlehem. I am powerless to heal people's wounds. I am powerless to make people look at evidence. I am powerless to persuade people that there is a problem.
I've had a cushy, easy life, and feeling powerless is new to me. And it stinks.
But on reflection, it's probably no bad thing to be forced to confront my own powerlessness. First and foremost, it's reality. I live with the illusion of control, but at any moment health, relationships, and safety could be stripped away. There are benefits to seeing this reality. First, it reminds me that God is powerful, and I am not. He's the creator, and I am a creature. Second, it pushes me to lean on God and ask for his help. This week in 2 Chronicles 14:11 I read, "Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty." Third, one of my recurring tendencies is to grasp for control, and having it stripped away is probably good for me. For all these reasons, it's been good to ponder my own powerlessness.
But on reflection, it's probably no bad thing to be forced to confront my own powerlessness. First and foremost, it's reality. I live with the illusion of control, but at any moment health, relationships, and safety could be stripped away. There are benefits to seeing this reality. First, it reminds me that God is powerful, and I am not. He's the creator, and I am a creature. Second, it pushes me to lean on God and ask for his help. This week in 2 Chronicles 14:11 I read, "Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty." Third, one of my recurring tendencies is to grasp for control, and having it stripped away is probably good for me. For all these reasons, it's been good to ponder my own powerlessness.
But as I reflected on powerlessness, I also realized that, within the limits God has set, I do in fact have power. I have power to leave. I have power to speak truth (even if no one listens). I have power to listen to people's stories. I have power to educate myself about institutional protection. I have power to give money to people whose lives have been shattered by Bethlehem and who are struggling financially.
This realization reminds me of a favorite piece of advice which I received years ago from a Bethlehem pastor's wife: "Remember, there are always options." Even if the options stink, the sense of agency and of having options is so reassuring.
So both are true. I can try to accept my powerlessness, AND I can try to use the modicum of power I do have for good. But I don't want to put my hope in those efforts. Rather, I want to put my hope in God, who has all the power and all wisdom and goodness to use it well. That's a good place to rest. So I trudge on, trying to hold onto all these truths at the same time.
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