50+ Things I'm Thankful for (I Think?) from My Years at Bethlehem

I finally requested to have my name removed from membership at Bethlehem.  I kept delaying because it felt so heavy to cut ties with a place where I had attended for 21 years.  It was startling to realize that I had been at Bethlehem longer than I've been married.  Longer than I've had my driver's license.  Longer than my 18 years of childhood.  Other than family, I can't think of any other tie in my life that has been as long-lasting.

I've been in a season of grieving and lamenting over so many deep problems at Bethlehem.  It's hard to overstate the cognitive dissonance this has led to, as I try to reconcile the many deep, long-standing problems with the good experiences I had at Bethlehem.  I still don't know how to hold these things in tension.  It will probably take me years to figure that out.  

For now, I'm trying to hold onto both.  To look the problems full in the face and try to understand them, and yet also hold onto my good memories.  I don't know if this is a good approach.  That's not where Mickey is at, and maybe in a few months I'll feel differently.  But for now, I still feel thankful for my years at Bethlehem.  I wrote this list in January and was pleasantly surprised that it still conjured feelings of warmth and affection.  

I'm sharing this list because:

1)  I've written a lot about the deep problems at Bethlehem, and I want to make it clear that I'm not taking pot shots as an outsider.  For 21 years, I was all-in at Bethlehem.  I was someone who loved Bethlehem, who believed in the vision, and who benefited from the system.

2)  I want people to understand why Mickey and I have such strong emotions of grief, anger, and betrayal.  This was our home.  This was our community.  We hurt so much because we cared so much.  I grieve the loss of this community where I felt so connected.  I grieve that this church that benefitted me for 21 years caused so much deep harm to others.  I grieve that this church isn't what I thought it was. 

It's an odd form of loss to grieve.  It's not like we moved away, e.g. that we could undo the loss if we just moved back.  For one, Bethlehem today looks a lot different than it did a year ago.  That Bethlehem is just gone.  But more importantly, now that I know how much harm has happened and how deep the dysfunction goes, I couldn't enjoy it anymore.  So even if I could go back in time to the Bethlehem of 1 year or 5 years ago, it wouldn't feel good anymore.  Which is even more disorienting, because that makes me wonder, "were those 21 years only good in my imagination?"  So it's almost like grieving the loss of something that never was (or never was good) to begin with. 

3)  I want people to understand why we left.  We would not leave a place where we were so invested for light or trivial reasons.  The problems must be really deep if they caused me to walk away from all this.

Having said all that, here's what I'm thankful for from my 21 years at Bethlehem. 

1. A big view of God and his sovereignty over everything - this has been a massive foundation for how I see the world and how I cope with suffering
2. solid preaching and teaching week-in and week-out - this has probably shaped me more than I know.
3. I learned to change diapers, give bottles, and hold babies at Bethlehem.  I never had babysitting experience as a kid, so volunteering in nursery was a gift.
   
4. getting baptized at Bethlehem at age 18 (and being terrified to give my testimony in front of everyone beforehand)
   
5. Bethlehem friends hosted and attended my wedding shower and baby showers, and brought us so many meals after our babies were born.
   
6. getting to meet wonderful older saints like Char Ransom and Marlene Johnson.  It was a privilege to attend their funerals and hear of the decades they walked faithfully with the Lord.  (It was also a privilege to attend the funerals of Lloyd May and Janet Hubel, though I hate that they died so young.)
7. seeing a Bethlehem family care really well for a survivor of domestic abuse
8. arriving during Romans 6 and hearing Piper's castle analogy about fighting sin
9. Amy and Jared Wass taught us about the Gospel Circle (e.g. the Three Trees Diagram from the book "How People Change") - this tool has been life-changing.  In 2019 Mickey and I spoke at MOMS about how we use this tool to apply the gospel to real life struggles - you can listen or read the notes for our talk if you're curious.
10. so many open houses by Global Partners over the years, which gave me a bigger view of the world
    
11. Musikgarten classes with my kids with so many sweet families from church
12. My 4 years in Seminary Wives
13. Mickey and I had excellent marriage counseling, thanks to a referral from a Bethlehem pastor.  We still use the tools (reflective listening, circle of concern) this counselor gave us. 
14. translating Colossians in Greek class back in 2007.  It was an excellent class, but I have to admit I dropped it after 1 semester since it wasn't helping me meet single guys.  :-)
15. all nights of prayer each January
    
16. so many of my close friends came from Bethlehem
17. neighborhood meet-up potlucks, both in Phillips and in Longfellow
18. support after our miscarriages - pastors sent flowers, Pastor Bud's miscarriage service, support from friends, multiple elders and their wives reached out, even ones I barely knew
19. taking the Perspectives class twice
    
20. being introduced to Calvinism at age 16 and discovering intellectual underpinnings to the faith
    
21. feeling known by the leadership (at least at the level I expected for a megachurch).  I know many people struggle to connect at Bethlehem because it's so large, but since I'd been there so long, and since Mickey had been through the seminary, I felt known by the downtown elders and pastors.  I enjoyed sending them thank you notes for the many things I appreciated.
22. knowing so many people.  I loved that I could walk into the sanctuary and think, "I visited that person in Kenya.  That guy was friends with my brother in youth group.  I volunteered with her in nursery a decade ago.  He went to my wedding."  I'll never have that in another church.
23. learning about grief - good teaching, CCEF conference, book recommendations.  For a year my friend and I did a monthly grief group together, and we both have sweet memories of it.
24. I did 10 sessions of really helpful counseling last spring, with a friend trained by all the CCEF classes offered at Bethlehem.  I'm thankful for Pastor Bryan facilitating those classes year after year; I reaped the benefits of that.
25. hearing at MOMS about The Life We Never Expected:  Hopeful Reflections on the Challenges of Parenting Children with Special Needs, my favorite book on suffering.  (I've since given away 4 dozen copies because I love it so much.)
26. learning about lament (Pastor Jason's series on Psalms, Pastor Bryan's prayers, Pastor Ming-Jinn's sermon on weeping with those who weep)
27. leadership opportunities (hosting a MOMS table, co-leading a small group)
28. completing the Nurture Program - lots of good teaching about global missions
29. multiple seminars back in high school (Why We Believe the Bible, TULIP, Suffering, Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Gravity and Gladness on Sunday Morning) - these helped shape my categories
30. so many of our hobbies we did with friends from Bethlehem - games nights, summer playdates at parks, ultimate frisbee, disc golf, clothing swaps
31. MOMS - 7 years of good teaching, a network of other moms to brainstorm and troubleshoot with, connecting with friends, delicious food
32. a value on living simply and giving generously.   I was thankful for pastors who lived in Phillips and drove ratty old cars and gave generously.  I loved being in a culture that pushed against materialism.
33. It was easy to tithe to Bethlehem because I knew they were frugal in how they spent the money.  Giving to Bethlehem felt like this wonderful mutual fund that supported global missions, inner city outreach, and the ministry of the church.  [Obviously I now think differently.  I remember the sinking feeling I had when I first realized that the tens of thousands of dollars that I had given over the years helped prop up this system that has caused so much harm.]
    
34. a huge network:  it was through Bethlehem connections that we found my first job, Mickey's teaching job, and the two duplexes we've rented. 
35. Ironically, even in writing our open letter, we reached out for counsel to so many people in our Bethlehem network, and I felt so privileged to be able to call to mind 10-15 wise, godly people I could consult and ask for advice.
36. CCEF conferences at Bethlehem on abuse and grief and emotions
37. ESL conversation class where Mickey and I tutored for a few years and met people from around the world
38. sharing a duplex with various Bethlehem couples over the years
39. the Global Partners we support all came through Bethlehem
    
40. the value on Scripture - in youth group they challenged us to memorize 150 Bible verses.  My friend memorized the book of Ephesians.  Sitting in prayer meetings with Bethlehem friends who pour out these wonderful prayers filled with Scripture.  Just last month an ex-Bethlehem friend shared this wonderful insight she'd had by reading something in Numbers that morning and linking it to a verse in Isaiah.  My friends from Bethlehem know and love their Bibles.
41. I worked as an admin assistant for a Bethlehem elder for 4 years - he was a great boss.
42. Campus Outreach and its trickle down effects at Bethlehem - we never did CO, but we've benefited from hearing CO staff teach (e.g. the 8-week marriage class six years ago had really helpful, practical talks)
    
43. My TBI Wives recipe book - I love browsing and seeing names I remember from 10, 15, 20 years ago
44. Pastor Matthew's songs (The First Place, Fill These Cities, the Easter-inspired Advent songs)
    
45. youth group memories:  Playing zip, zip bong and 4 on a couch.  Prayer and fasting retreats.  Memorizing Psalm 103.  Camping in the Boundary Waters (canoeing, portaging, bear-packs; everything was so new to me.  I remember yelling in excitement, "Look, a herd of loons!")
46. P4H, a prayer group with single women that I was in for a decade
47. Mickey's experience at BCS, and all that he appreciated about it (which he wrote about here)
    
48. my mom's best friend and all the ways her family has blessed my family 
49. Toshavim Bible study on 1 Peter and a summer study on Colossians in college
50. quarterly small group leaders' trainings - always helpful and encouraging
51. having so many Bethlehem neighbors when we lived in Phillips (and neighborhood prayer walks with one couple)
52. being on various Barnabas teams over the years (with people of all ages) and learning more about ministry overseas
53. learning about racial justice - sermons on ethnic harmony each January for MLK Day, reading Piper's book "Bloodlines," hearing about the MLK50 conference and the pastors urging us to broaden our sources, seeing Pastor Ming-Jinn and other Bethlehem folks launch Support The Cities after George Floyd was killed.
    
54. so many small groups over the years that have walked with us week-in and week-out through the ups and downs of life
55. This is a memory that never happened, but in our last Bethlehem small group, all 5 families had babies within the space of a year and a half.  We were scheduled to all dedicate our babies together at the Mothers' Day service in May 2020.  Because of Covid, that didn't happen.  And now many of us have left Bethlehem.  But it still feels like a sweet would-have-been memory from that season of life.

I'm thankful for all these things that God gave me through Bethlehem.  And I feel so deeply grieved by the profound, long-standing problems at this church that I thought I knew.  It will take years to process all this.