As I reflected on the past four years since we left Bethlehem, I realize that I’ve been on two parallel tracks: healing and deconstructing. When Bethlehem blew up, it felt like it launched me onto two parallel journeys, one of trying to heal and recover from the wounds, and one of rethinking and sorting through what I believe and how I want to do faith. There’s overlap between the two paths, but they’re also distinct.
In 2022 our family was doing the “1000 Hours Outside” challenge (see here), and we had a chart on the side of the fridge with little bubbles we could fill in each time we spent an hour outdoors. I like the principle of “you manage what you measure,” and tracking our hours prompted us to get outdoors more. And it was satisfying to track our progress and see the chart slowly fill up.
That spring Mickey and I hit our lowest point emotionally in grieving all the painful things that happened at Bethlehem the prior year. I found Mickey weeping on the couch three nights in a row, and floated the idea that maybe it might help to go to counseling. The next day I had a meltdown in the bathroom and started screaming at the elders and suddenly realized, “Wait, I think I need counseling too.” So we started that process together.
I drafted a LOT of blog posts and fragments last spring (in the wake of our open letter), to help me process all the junk at Bethlehem. They now feel like a record of our grief journey, and I've been rereading them. I'm sharing this one because it captures how spiritual abuse can really mess with someone's view of the church (which is one of many reasons why spiritual abuse is so pernicious).
I've been thinking a lot about fundamentalism the last 15 months. I'm not even sure fundamentalism is the right word, but I'm trying to understand the "we have all the right answers" attitude that I absorbed (and wholeheartedly embraced!) while I was at Bethlehem. I hope to post more (I drafted a post over a year ago and keep getting stuck when I try to finish it).
In early 2022, we were hurting and angry and miserable. We were starting the long process of untangling ourselves from Bethlehem. We had realized how much rot there was and wanted to flee in the opposite direction. And we were also slowly waking up to the reality of what a rigid place Bethlehem had been in many ways.
My friend has mused that she needs an elevator speech to explain why she left Bethlehem. People will ask, and she's tempted to say, "Do you have 3 hours?" So I wanted to share some long, medium, and short reasons why we left, in case that helps anyone else.
Joe Rigney resigned as president of Bethlehem College & Seminary on April 3. I found many of the online responses helpful. I'm linking here to capture them in one place:
I'm linking to this blogpost because I found it very helpful in understanding the problems at Bethlehem. Back when we were doing our open letter and subsequent posts, a few people mentioned the idea of narcissism. I never quite understood this (and to be fair, I didn't take the time to read the books or videos they referenced - there were so many other issues to process!).
Of all the hard things in this season, one of the most painful to us was the discrepancy between our in-person meeting (Wed, Nov 3, with elders Kenny Stokes and Chad Geyen) and what Kenny said publicly about us on Saturday, Nov 6. I'm going to attempt to describe it below using primary source materials. I’ve written a few brief reflections, but mostly I’m hoping the various emails can speak for themselves.
In response to my post Two Approaches to Dirty Laundry, a friend of mine shared a link to this podcast, all about the ethics of whistleblowing:
I finished reading Wade Mullen's book Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--and Freeing Yourself from Its Power and was struck by how many of the impression management tactics listed in the book I've seen the elders employ at Bethlehem. We alluded to this in our open letter, but at that point Mickey had read the whole book, while I had only dipped into it. I finished reading it, pen in hand, and wanted to share a list of examples I found. I fully agree with Mickey's assessment that the playbook is eerily similar to the tactics we've seen used at Bethlehem. I encourage everyone to read Wade Mullen's book in full.
This story captures two different approaches to the problems at Bethlehem. I've left out names because I want to focus here on the two approaches rather than the specific people involved.
There were at least two lies spoken by elders at the Bethlehem meeting on 7/11/21. Instead of acknowledging this and apologizing, the elders further evaded the truth in the smaller Q&As a month later. In many ways, the secondary deception felt even more betraying than the initial lies, because it confirmed that the elders knew there were problems with what certain elders had said on 7/11, and yet their response was cover-up, not confession.
I finally requested to have my name removed from membership at Bethlehem. I kept delaying because it felt so heavy to cut ties with a place where I had attended for 21 years. It was startling to realize that I had been at Bethlehem longer than I've been married. Longer than I've had my driver's license. Longer than my 18 years of childhood. Other than family, I can't think of any other tie in my life that has been as long-lasting.
Last year on this date (3/26) there was an amazing Bethlehem downtown family meeting. It was definitely my highlight of the year at church. I'm writing about it now to share the visions with those who weren't there and to reflect on them.
This was sent August 10 to the North Campus email list. Portions of this letter were read at a 8/12 smaller Q&A that was hosted at the Downtown Campus. It's reproduced below for future reference. (I've redirected the links so they point to the correct site without the email tracking.)
A collection of stories I'm aware of from people harmed at Bethlehem Baptist Church and its connected ministries
Stephanie Denzer – BBC Ministry Assistant
It is hard to pick the right adjective to describe this book. It certainly was incredibly helpful in giving clarity and understanding to trauma and its impacts on both the body and mind. My typical word to describe this type of book is "excellent," highlighting the importance,
Hannah and I have become very concerned about what has happened at Bethlehem Baptist Church. We've called Bethlehem home for many years...
