All Our Eggs in One Basket

I drafted a LOT of blog posts and fragments last spring (in the wake of our open letter), to help me process all the junk at Bethlehem.  They now feel like a record of our grief journey, and I've been rereading them.  I'm sharing this one because it captures how spiritual abuse can really mess with someone's view of the church (which is one of many reasons why spiritual abuse is so pernicious).

9 Books and Podcasts Helping Me Process Fundamentalism

I've been thinking a lot about fundamentalism the last 15 months.  I'm not even sure fundamentalism is the right word, but I'm trying to understand the "we have all the right answers" attitude that I absorbed (and wholeheartedly embraced!) while I was at Bethlehem.  I hope to post more (I drafted a post over a year ago and keep getting stuck when I try to finish it).

"A Year of Recovering From Bethlehem"

In early 2022, we were hurting and angry and miserable.  We were starting the long process of untangling ourselves from Bethlehem.  We had realized how much rot there was and wanted to flee in the opposite direction.  And we were also slowly waking up to the reality of what a rigid place Bethlehem had been in many ways.

One-sentence Summaries of Why We Left Bethlehem Baptist Church

My friend has mused that she needs an elevator speech to explain why she left Bethlehem.  People will ask, and she's tempted to say, "Do you have 3 hours?"  So I wanted to share some long, medium, and short reasons why we left, in case that helps anyone else.  

Joe Rigney's Resignation

Joe Rigney resigned as president of Bethlehem College & Seminary on April 3.  I found many of the online responses helpful.  I'm linking here to capture them in one place:

A Helpful Article about Narcissistic Systems

I'm linking to this blogpost because I found it very helpful in understanding the problems at Bethlehem.  Back when we were doing our open letter and subsequent posts, a few people mentioned the idea of narcissism.  I never quite understood this (and to be fair, I didn't take the time to read the books or videos they referenced - there were so many other issues to process!). 

What Pastor Kenny Stokes Said Publicly About Us on 11/6/21 - Why It Was So Painful to Us and How He Responded When Mickey Confronted Him About It

Of all the hard things in this season, one of the most painful to us was the discrepancy between our in-person meeting (Wed, Nov 3, with elders Kenny Stokes and Chad Geyen) and what Kenny said publicly about us on Saturday, Nov 6.  I'm going to attempt to describe it below using primary source materials.  I’ve written a few brief reflections, but mostly I’m hoping the various emails can speak for themselves.

Honesty vs. Loyalty - A Helpful Podcast about the Ethics of Whistleblowing

In response to my post Two Approaches to Dirty Laundry, a friend of mine shared a link to this podcast, all about the ethics of whistleblowing:

Examples of Impression Management at Bethlehem

I finished reading Wade Mullen's book Something's Not Right:  Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--and Freeing Yourself from Its Power and was struck by how many of the impression management tactics listed in the book I've seen the elders employ at Bethlehem.  We alluded to this in our open letter, but at that point Mickey had read the whole book, while I had only dipped into it.  I finished reading it, pen in hand, and wanted to share a list of examples I found.  I fully agree with Mickey's assessment that the playbook is eerily similar to the tactics we've seen used at Bethlehem.  I encourage everyone to read Wade Mullen's book in full.

Two Approaches to Dirty Laundry

This story captures two different approaches to the problems at Bethlehem.  I've left out names because I want to focus here on the two approaches rather than the specific people involved.  

In March 2021, two Bethlehem elders visited a small group.  We'll call them B (for Bethlehem College & Seminary, where he is still in a leadership role) and N (who is Not at Bethlehem anymore).

An Analogy: Bethlehem as a Burning Building

This analogy helps capture how I feel about the problems at Bethlehem. I found it helpful to have a visual image.

Covering Up a Lie Feels More Betraying Than the Initial Lie

There were at least two lies spoken by elders at the Bethlehem meeting on 7/11/21.  Instead of acknowledging this and apologizing, the elders further evaded the truth in the smaller Q&As a month later.  In many ways, the secondary deception felt even more betraying than the initial lies, because it confirmed that the elders knew there were problems with what certain elders had said on 7/11, and yet their response was cover-up, not confession.

50+ Things I'm Thankful for (I Think?) from My Years at Bethlehem

I finally requested to have my name removed from membership at Bethlehem.  I kept delaying because it felt so heavy to cut ties with a place where I had attended for 21 years.  It was startling to realize that I had been at Bethlehem longer than I've been married.  Longer than I've had my driver's license.  Longer than my 18 years of childhood.  Other than family, I can't think of any other tie in my life that has been as long-lasting.

An official response to our open letter

Below is an email from Tim Johnson, the new Chairman of Bethlehem's elder council (Kurt Elting-Ballard was the former Chair.  He and Tim Johnson have apparently swapped roles and Kurt is now the vice-Chair (which Tim previously had).  It was sent on Feb. 11, 2022.  A few comments below the email.  

Reflections on the Prophetic Visions Shared at Bethlehem 1 Year Ago

Last year on this date (3/26) there was an amazing Bethlehem downtown family meeting.  It was definitely my highlight of the year at church.  I'm writing about it now to share the visions with those who weren't there and to reflect on them.

A Letter From Pastor Steven Lee to the North Campus of Bethlehem Baptist Church

This was sent August 10 to the North Campus email list.  Portions of this letter were read at a 8/12 smaller Q&A that was hosted at the Downtown Campus.  It's reproduced below for future reference.  (I've redirected the links so they point to the correct site without the email tracking.)

Bethlehem Stories

A collection of stories I'm aware of from people harmed at Bethlehem Baptist Church and its connected ministries

Bethlehem Baptist Church 

Lydia Arant – Bethlehem Librarian 

Stephanie Denzer – BBC Ministry Assistant

1. Downtown Women's Staff Report - specific examples of mistreatment of women
2. Downtown Women's Staff Report - lack of follow up

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

It is hard to pick the right adjective to describe this book.  It certainly was incredibly helpful in giving clarity and understanding to trauma and its impacts on both the body and mind.  My typical word to describe this type of book is "excellent," highlighting the importance,

"But Look At The Fruit"

As we've raised our concerns at Bethlehem, one common response has been, "But look at the fruit." Several elders responded to our open letter by pointing to the good things happening at Bethlehem. One elder pointed to heartfelt Sunday worship and helpful sermons. Another elder pointed to good ministry happening overseas. Another one described an encouraging Global Focus week. And they didn't really engage with our concerns. So it seemed as though they were saying, "But look at the fruit!" I'm using fruit here as an umbrella term for any seemingly good ministry happening, either at Bethlehem itself (e.g. small groups, Sunday morning worship and preaching, Bible studies, etc.) or in the ministries it has launched (e.g. church plants, Global Partners, Campus Outreach, etc.)

Exodus 2:23-25

Exodus 2

23 During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. 24 And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. 25 God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

Spiritual Abuse at Bethlehem

I believe that the leadership and system at Bethlehem Baptist Church are spiritually abusive.  I do not say those words lightly.  It has taken us some time to get to this point.  When we wrote our open letter and our one month retrospective, we deliberately avoided the term "spiritual abuse" because we weren't sure it fully applied.  Since writing the letter, we have learned a great deal.  We've learned more about what spiritual abuse is, we've heard more personal stories, and we've also learned more about what the elders have been aware of and done in the last years.  Collectively, that new information made us realize the actions we thought seemed "off" were actually far more sinister than we initially thought.  I now feel comfortable using the term "spiritual abuse" to describe what the elders are doing and have done at Bethlehem.  Why? 

Thoughts on Powerlessness

Mickey and I have experienced a range of emotions these last 6 months.  Anger.  Grief.  Hopelessness.  Betrayal.  Despair.  One of the hardest emotions for me to handle has been the feeling of powerlessness.  I am powerless to stop the harm at Bethlehem.  I am powerless to heal people's wounds.  I am powerless to make people look at evidence.  I am powerless to persuade people that there is a problem. 

Ways I'm Coping

It's been a painful season. Here are some things that are helping me through it.

1. Psalms 

There's Just One Bucket

I had a helpful conversation with a friend who connected two things I had thought were totally separate.  As Mickey and I have waded through all the issues at Bethlehem, I've been trying hard to keep 2 groups of issues separate.  I've mentally sorted them into 2 buckets, which I'll call "culture wars" and "problematic behavior."  The culture wars bucket includes things like people's views on gender and race, who they voted for, views on Covid, etc.  The problematic behavior bucket includes things like misuse of power, misuse of authority, domineering, cover-up, and deception.

An attempted apology about BBC's NDA lie

In a surprising turn, the two separate posts I made recently have intersected.  I had posted about Ken Currie's lies about there being not even a mention of NDAs at Bethlehem.  I had also posted some reflections about harm, apologies, and forgiveness.  

In response to Janette Takata's initial post about Ken Currie's lie, he emailed her an apology.  You can see on the link her rationale for posting it, as well as get a sense of Steve's reception of the apology with his answer.  Below is Ken's apology with some of my own reflections: 

NDAs at Bethlehem

*NDA - Non-Disclosure/Disparagement Agreement, used in some contexts to silence unhappy employees by promising severance in exchange for silence, an extremely harmful practice.  

When we sat down with two elders to discuss our letter prior to making it public (we had sent it to the elders 6 weeks before we went public with it), one of them observed that it appeared that we were claiming that since what we saw was so concerning, it must have meant there was worse elsewhere.  We said that yes, that was one of our fears - it felt like the church was this dark room and we were trying to shine our flashlight on something we saw was concerning and were pleading for them to "turn on the lights" (have an outside investigation).  That elder reassured us that there wasn't worse on other walls (to take the dark room analogy), implying even though things looked concerning, things were fine.  

"But I Know This Person"

An elder said something at one of the smaller Bethlehem Q&As last summer, and we've been reflecting on it.  At the start of the meeting the elders shared a few prepared statements in order to clarify some things from the 7/11 Q&A that appeared concerning.  Afterward, someone approached Elder X and said something like, "I heard the statement, but what really happened there [on 7/11] was he lied.  He lied."  Elder X reassured her (as best we can remember), "I know Elder Y.  If he thought that he had lied, he would repent for it."

Harm, apologies, and forgiveness

This post is prompted by the interactions recounted by the Julie Roys podcast What Happened at Bethlehem Baptist Church (Part 2) as well as Julie Roys' Opinion: Bethlehem Baptist, Apologies and “Unintentional Sin”.  Of particular note is the linked transcript of Dr. Naselli's apology to the Takatas in the opinion piece.  Excerpts from the apology are played in the podcast so you can get a sense of Dr. Naselli's intonation and context.  Frankly, I found his apology frustrating and disappointing, very much not in keeping with what I would expect out of an apology from a professor at seminary and an elder of Bethlehem.  Unfortunately, this type of non-apology has sadly become commonplace at Bethlehem.  I could name multiple examples I've seen from the past year.  For another public one, see Pastor Kenny's "apology" to Julie Roys.  

Reflections on Where the Light Fell by Yancey

I recently read a book that I really appreciated, Where the Light Fell: A Memoir by Philip Yancey.  It is a recounting of his experience growing up in a fundamentalist upbringing, raised by a single mom (pastor husband died when Yancey was 1), who swore that her children would become missionaries (that was a very damaging promise).  She dedicated her life to ministry, teaching the Bible, raising her children, protecting them from temptations and the dangers in the culture, all the while seeing/feeling the increasing distance and hostility from her sons towards God while she tries to control them.  It feels similar to the stories of Educated by Tara Westover or Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance, except it's a picture from a fundamentalist upbringing and the hope at the end is God and grace.  

Reflections on: Reparations by Duke L. Kwon and Gregory Thompson

I probably should have written this earlier, back before I had to return my copy of the book to the library system, but alas.  Some reflections based off of my memory on Reparations: A Christian Call for Repentance and Repair by Duke Kwon and Gregory Thompson.